A lot of people don’t realize that there are millions of different kinds of ghosts. We hear a lot about poltergeists whose intention is to hurt the people they haunt, or lost souls who just wander from room to room and often don’t even realize they’re dead. There are mischief ghosts who just turn off a light when you’re reading or saran wrap your toilet seat in the middle of the night. Don’t get in a prank war with those guys; they’ve had eternity to perfect the art.
Most people never hear about watchers though. Guess what they do? Watchers are simply ghosts that stare at the living constantly. Through windows, or from the foot of your bed. They just watch. No one knows for sure why they do it. Maybe they’re preparing for some evil entity’s attack, or maybe they just don’t understand the living and have nothing else to do.
Ryan’s house was haunted by watchers not too long ago. He came to my house one night and told me all about it.
“Every night. It’s just this black figure at the foot of my bed, just standing there,” he said. “And I usually wake up, and it’s just standing there.”
“So, it hasn’t tried to hurt you?” I asked.
“No, but it scares the hell out of me,” Ryan said.
“Do we really have the right to banish a spirit that isn’t evil?” Mark asked.
Oh, yeah. Mark was there too. And being a total hippy about the watcher.
“Of course we do,” I said. “This thing could be sucking Ryan’s life force out every night, while he sleeps. I’ve heard of things that do that.”
“But what if it’s just an innocent lost soul?” Mark the total hippy asked.
“Well, in the 1300’s,” I said. “They used to think Santa Claus was an evil spirit-”
“There’s no way this story is true,” Ryan said.
“Shut up, Ryan.” I said. “Anyway, so a mob got together to hunt down Santa and they killed him. And no more children died that Christmas.”
“What? That story makes no sense!” Mark said.
“Don’t tell me you still believe Santa Claus is still alive,” I said.
“No, I mean the whole story. I- what?”
“Exactly,” I said. “So, we’ll get rid of Ryan’s watcher.”
That night we all spent the night at Ryan’s house. We spent the day outside, so I needed a shower by nightfall. I was making a shampoo mohawk when I turned around and saw the black figure outside the shower curtain. It was right against it and staring in through the opaque plastic curtain.
I couldn’t blame it for admiring my chiseled Adonis-like body, but shower time is me time, and no one interrupts me time.
“Hey, Casper the pervert ghost, piss off,” I said. I pulled down the shower head threw the curtain open and sprayed it, but it vanished and I just ended up soaking the floor.
I muttered a few curses to myself, and dried off before going downstairs to Ryan and Mark.
“I saw it,” I said. “It was watching me in the shower.”
“So, it’s gay and evil?” Mark asked.
“First of all,” I said. “You don’t have to be gay to admire this body. My biceps alone-”
(This part of the story has been edited out by Ryan Moore. Editor’s Note: Scott talks about how attractive he is for 30 minutes before getting to his plan to get rid of the watcher. So I’ve decided to skip ahead to that point.)
“-with one hand tied behind my back and a banana duct taped to my upper lip like a handlebar mustache,” I said. They were clearly impressed at my tale of heroism, so I took that moment to move onto my plan.
“Now, about the watcher,” I went on. “It seems like all we need is a simple ghost banishing procedure.”
They stared at me blankly for a few seconds and then, “Umm, we don’t know how to do that.”
“Right, right,” I said. “Quickly, to Google!”
We found a verified ceremony that seemed simple enough. All we had to do was burn some sage, make a circle with rock salt, trap the ghost there, then we throw the burning sage into the circle and the ghost is banished. Easy-peasy… except, we didn’t have any sage, or rock salt, but I was pretty sure it was more about intent than ingredients. We did have oregano and table salt and that sounded good enough.
We made a salt circle (well, oval… again, intent) and started walking around his house with burning oregano. Every so often we would check the circle, but after 20 minutes, we were out of oregano and had no ghost.
“Maybe you should be in bed,” Mark said to Ryan.
“Oh God. You’re finally coming out,” I said.
“No, no. The ghost is a watcher. They’re not known for moving around and following people. They sit and watch. So we give it something to watch,” Mark explained.
“And you think it’ll want to watch you and Ryan?”
“Just Ryan. Just Ryan in bed,” Mark said.
So Ryan got into his bed and we switched to burning Italian seasoning throughout the house. After a few minutes, Ryan called us upstairs to his room, where a black figure was standing in the salt circle at the foot of Ryan’s bed.
“Okay, Mark,” I said. “Now toss the burning sage into the circle.”
“You mean the Italian seasoning?” he asked.
He tossed it in and a whirlwind of flames erupted from the circle. The watcher charged out of the flames at Ryan onto the bed.
“It was supposed to banish it,” I said.
“It must be the Italian seasoning,” Mark said. “It made the ghost evil.”
I grabbed a handful of salt and tossed it at the watcher on Ryan’s bed. It shrieked and dissipated like smoke.
Ryan jumped out of his bed. “Do you think it’s gone?” he asked.
“With just the salt?” I said. “No, we’re going to have to use real sage to get rid of it.”
It was close to midnight, so none of the stores were open, but we couldn’t leave an evil spirit roaming Ryan’s house all night. So we called the gross hippy girl. I had her number in my phone from… umm… I was drunk; I’d rather not talk about it.
Anyway she had some sage and we repeated the banishing spell thingy, and the watcher was gone.
So we all learned not to banish a gay ghost with a Italian seasoning. I bet you didn’t expect to ever read that sentence.
As always, if you want to talk about my abs or any paranormal experiences you may have had, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org